$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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