meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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