I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
