So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
