ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
