I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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