I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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