he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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