He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
