The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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