he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
