I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
