My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
why do cheetos always look like penises
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
