Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
