it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Found your dick twin last night
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
