im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
