I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
