I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
