Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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