He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
