life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
