god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My pussy is not your playground.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
