the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
