I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
