THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
