If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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