She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
