The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
