i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
