Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
