i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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