Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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