Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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