Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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