thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
