I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
