when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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