Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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