i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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