a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
