There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
