please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Vodka?
Forever.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
