There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
