Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
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I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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