Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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