I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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