When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
