It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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