Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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