Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
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And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
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Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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