I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?