I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I am naked and annoyed.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
