Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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