apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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