My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The Olympian is in my bed
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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