i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I smell stomach acid.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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