Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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