dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Randomize
