So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
