I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
