Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
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a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
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She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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