My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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