my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
there was a trapeze. enough said
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
