I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
