I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
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He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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