i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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