i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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